i fell for a shooting star...

Yeah!!!! I’m actually feeling a lot better. Maybe because I’m busy with lots of things. Trainings, visiting churches, reading books, learning a new language, attending medical missions etc..etc...I was so busy that 1 month went by in a blink of an eye. There were days when I was longing for her. Missing her voice, her sweet nothings. I don’t really know if I’m falling for her or if I’m just so vulnerable right now that I assume too much.

Holding back. I was holding back on everything. My feelings especially. You see I like her, but I just don’t like the idea of falling in love right now. Seriously, she was the sole reason why I look forward to waking up each morning. And it would really suck if she leaves, for the very reason that I’d miss the realtionship that we have built for past 2 months. I’m really struggling not to fall in love with her. Sometimes I think that I should act on it as early as possible so that i won't lose my one chance. But in the end i always end up doing nothing. We met through "words"..and I have hoped that words would be enough to make her fall for me as well...

And eventually, inevitably... i lost my chance. Everything was but a dream. Before we could actually meet, she was "snatched" away by some guy. Words were not enough...She asked me if we could stay sweet with each other. I declined. It would be more difficult for me. For the both of us. She said "I'm sorry"... And i replied with a simple "yeah, it's all right"...I never did expect anything from her. And i guess that 's what made this whole affair highly improbable. Possible but improbable. Or then again my heart probably is too numb already to feel any pain.

It's funny because she asked me one time.."What if I'm only here to help you and not actually be with you?"...I guess that's what shooting stars do...Make you wish for something during their split second appearance on a night when all hope seems lost. Would she have loved me if my face didn't suit her taste? If my height didn't match her's would it still be ok? Can personality really be enough? I guess...I'll never know. Because right now, the only thing i hold is but a memory of her. Yup, the "her"...The "her" that picked me up when i was so down. The "her" that showed me that my life was still kinda worth living. The "her" that cared for me and i guess loved me in some way, just when i needed it the most...Good bye baby...Someday...Someday...

Minsan

It was signal number 1 in Manila( yes I looked it up on the net that day). I was in some bar in SM Mall of Asia, drunk. For the past few weeks I’ve been drowning myself in Red Horse beer and some cheap brandy just to forget the misery of a failed relationship. 5 whole years down the drain. Sitting there, alone, actually made me realize how lucky I am to have the freedom to just flirt with anyone. But, I don’t have the guts to do that so I’m ok with just looking at some of the elite bomb shells of the Philippines and cringe at the thought of what it would be like to spend an entire day with one of them.

I’m the type of guy that weighs personality more than physical poignance. So I haven’t really been into the pursuit of class-S type of girls believing that all of them possess the eloquence of speech but the intellect of a thirteen year old.. “Playing safe” I regrettably confess and assume that that would be the right term for guys like me. So there I was dreaming like a 13 year old, when I suddenly received an SMS. “Asan ka?”

One of man’s greatest invention of the 20^th century, the cellular phone, was telling me that some girl sent me a message asking me where I was and what I was doing. No it was not my mom. It was “her”. Yup, “the her”…Of course at that time I had no clue who she was or what role would she play in my life. That time she was just some girl, who’s number was given to me by a friend that believed she could never make me smile so she’d give someone else’s number for me to text and make me waste and spend my prepaid load.

My friends are so convinced that the only way I could forget my ex was to enter another freaking relationship. Yeah they love me that much that they were hooking me up with other girls. Hell I don’t even know if the girls they set me up with liked the idea of being a rebound girl. It got so terrible that one of them even brought me to a beer house. Oh my, sins galore. I was so nauseous and sleepy that night that all I could reply were questions on why the hell she was texting or what on earth was she thinking texting a guy she haven’t even met. Right then and there…a textmate was born…

“Can there be a love which does not make demands on its object? take me there.”

I don’t really hook up with textmates for the very reason that one can’t

expect to have a decent relationship out of such means of meeting. The same goes for the girls that I meet in bars and online. I never was the type of guy who would invest on something platonic and superficial. How in the world can you tell if the person you are talking to is telling the truth. I’ve been taken advantage so many times now that my heart has developed a certain phobia on people that is extraordinarily sweet and affectionate.

For about 2 months and a half now we’ve been constantly texting. I’ve been able to talk to her a number of times already and I’m currently planning a surprise something for her. A big risk I say! I’m coming out of my shell to pursue the shadow of a person who has picked me up from the slumps of depression. And hey! she’s 5 years younger than me. Well I don’t’ really consider that as a big thing. After all my younger sister’s current boyfriend is 4 years older than me. My sister’s 21 and I’m 22.

2 weeks. I asked her to wait for two weeks before we formally meet up. That was enough time to gather my resources and prepare myself for an inevitable spine chilling encounter. I believe that I still love my ex (a bit, which equates to probably 10%) but I’m giving this a chance. I have nothing to lose so I might as well do it. I don’t really know what would happen but the good thing is I really don’t care.